I began experiencing performance anxiety around age 12. I had a fair amount of performing under my belt at that point, and had previously experienced intense adrenaline rushes when walking on stage. But around becoming a preteen, with all that that entails, the excitement turned to overwhelm, sometimes dread. My entire body shook.

A few years later, while struggling to get through performances of the 1st movement of the Sibelius Violin Concerto, an instructor at the summer institute I was attending gave me some beta blockers to quell the nerves.

Beta blockers essentially slow down your adrenaline response. They are fairly safe and effective, and are widely used by performers across genres and practices- but this, from my experience, is rarely discussed openly.

I remember strolling up the aisle of the church to perform as if in slow motion, like a dream. My body felt warm and languid, the room seemed hazy. It was a great performance. That was the summer I turned 15.

Betas became a regular yet secret part of my world after that. I took them for every performance and most every rehearsal, hoping no one saw me gulp them down. I began to feel that I had to take at least one just in order to pick up the violin. If one didn’t seem to do the trick, I would take another, and maybe another. Once I took 4 40 mg pills before a solo recital which resulted in me feeling completely alienated from everything, including my instrument.

By the end of my undergrad, I was tied into knots. I knew I needed to address my anxiety somehow, if I was to continue to pursue a career as a violinist, or even just enjoy playing. The first inkling of hope came when I was introduced to the Alexander Technique, while in grad school at UCSD. I had enrolled in a course taught by the wonderful Eileen Troberman and experienced great relief from my anxiety within just a few classes.

The Alexander Technique is a method of connecting your mind and body, so that you can think and move more easily. With Alexander, you practice awareness around sensation, such as noticing unnecessary muscle tension or a certain un-useful habit, as well as negative thoughts- and then work with your mental state to stop the anxious thinking and imagine less tension. The new thoughts translate effortlessly to your physical state, without “doing” anything, and you become instantly more coordinated, connected and aligned.

It’s a fascinating practice, in that you come to understand yourself as dynamic, rather than fixed. The technique isn’t something you can hold onto and sustain- it’s a moment to moment experience. Over time, you create better habits and become more aware, but the practice never stops.

I have worked privately with Eileen for years now. I don’t think I would be playing if it weren’t for her and Alexander. I still experience anxiety, and I still use beta blockers, though much less than I used to. But I have a way of working with it.

Today’s performance is a window into that process. This is my warm up routine. I begin with what Eileen calls “the ease practice”, which I have found to be life changing. With the ease practice, you gently ask yourself the question: “where do I notice ease”, or, “where am I easing?”, or something along those lines. You ask this question without trying to find an answer. Just asking guides your mind to become less busy and your body to release tension. You ask this question four times for each finger, resulting in asking 40 times total. While doing the practice, you simply notice.

After doing the ease practice, I then begin playing a simple left-hand exercise. I like to continue to do the ease practice as I play, which is what Alexander is all about: integrating presence and more ease into your daily activities. After the left-hand exercise, I start working with scales. This usually continues for about 30-45 minutes, so in today’s 15 minutes, you’ll just see a snippet of that part.

Part of the work with my anxiety is letting go of worry. When we worry, we concentrate on past experiences and future outcomes. For me, this has translated as:

my body shook, and my bow shook, and it was embarrassing and hard to play. And now, I’m worried that it’s going to happen again.

When I experience performance anxiety, these thoughts are occurring while I’m playing. Even just the thought of the thought can trip me up. Doing the ease practice helps break this cycle and get me back into the present. As mentioned before, this is a real-time process, occurring while doing the activity itself.

Process is a word that I think about a lot, in the context of being a performer. One aspect of being a classical musician that has been difficult for me is the sense of that process not being an acknowledged aspect of the practice itself. In a nut-shell: when you’re out there on stage, don’t fuck up and don’t bring anything that isn’t shiny and perfect. Don’t be real.

This is a huge can of worms I’ve been unpacking since I came to San Diego, around the culture of classical music and the problems that can arise from it. I aim to discuss this more in the future…

So: this tenam performance is called “no betas” because I won’t take any prior to it. Right now, most of my non-beta violining happens when I’m practicing alone, and in non-classical settings. This act represents a long held desire to bring my experience with anxiety out of the shadows, and share it somehow in a safe space.